Journal Entry, August 2001

I just noticed that I talk to myself more than anybody else. Its weird I didnt notice this until now (well, of course I did, but not in any sort of systematic fashion), but its definitely true. I talk to myself all the time. Not necessarily through my mouth, but in my thoughts. I am constantly analyzing things, giving myself certain suggestions, etc. I wonder how much of this has to do with my soul, or if any of it at all has to do with my soul. Is that little voice always my soul? Sometimes my soul? Never my soul? Hmmm.
I have also realized that the tone with which I talk to myself has a lot to do with the mood Im in. Like, when Im under pressure, I talk to myself at a fast pace, and when Im calm, every thought goes through my head slowly. I wouldnt be able to count how many times Ive been under certain time constraints, and kept telling myself “Cmon, cmon, cmon, hurry up and do it!” So, my suggestion to you is: when you want to calm down quickly, there is a really simple method. Just slow down that voice you use to talk to yourself. Youll notice how easy it is, and how completely and utterly in control you are of your mood. BUT, dont overuse this ability. Sometimes, I need to be under pressure, and other times, I should feel anger…

Anyways, back to the soul… I feel as though I have one, but I wonder how much of that feeling comes from my conditioned upbringing or from my society. That is nearly impossible to judge. Do I feel as though I have a soul because of what my society has fed me or because of the fact that I actually have one? Well, I dont think Ill ever be able to answer that. Though, I do know certain feelings are so weird and so overpowering that I want to refer to their source as my soul. It may be some special part of my mind, or some sort of mind-body combination that creates these feelings, but whatever it is, that is what I feel my soul is. The major reason I feel that my soul is the source of these feelings (or the thing these feelings have an affect on–hard to judge) is that these feelings always come from non-sensory events. Events that aren’t physical and to some extent not even rational. The situations I can think of now that bring on these feelings are falling in love and meditating. I have heard, though I wouldnt know, that certain drugs might be able to do the same.
If what I described above isnt my soul, then at least I could define my soul as my life force, no? When someone dies, what is it exactly that makes every part of him cease to function? His brain is still there, his heart is still there, and even his blood is still there. But then, it all stops. They all just stop working–the heart stops pumping, and the blood stops flowing. I can define the soul as being that which is removed from the body (where it goes is another issue =) when one dies, but is necessary for the body to live. It is the life force or life driving force if you will.
(It cant be part of the brain which instructs the body to cease to function, because then the brain itself would need to continue to function in order to instruct the body that it must cease to function. And that would be impossible, right? It must be that it just stops working somehow.) (September 2001– By the way, I have done some research on this, and it is not completely sound scientifically, though it does have some degree of credibility.)
Or, as I mentioned above, the soul can be simply G-ds “memory” of you. This is an interesting concept. If G-d is how scripture and logic claim Him to be, then He would be a non-changing entity. That would mean that any information within Him that pertains to me, must still exist after I die right? The information within G-d pertaining to me could be my soul.